THE SENILITY PRAYER God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?” COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered. Not a card, not a letter!”
– The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. Albert Einstein – I am sure I could understand income taxes if I put my mind to them. But if I took the time to do that, the world would be deprived of many of my books. Isaac Asimov (wrote over 500 books) – If […]
Harry and Esther are flying to Australia for a 3 week holiday to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an […]
Goldilocks was walking along one sunny afternoon when she found a beautiful house in the woods. The door was open, so she walked right in. There she found a table set with three bowls of steaming porridge. “Hello?” she called out, but no one was home.
Let’s see how the U.S. Budget stacks up to a household budget, shall we? In order to compare apples to apples, we are using the numbers based on the same fiscal year – 2009, since that is the most current set of numbers available from the IRS. We will show you how the U.S. budget […]
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
Two friends were walking through the desert . During some point of the journey, they had an argument; and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand , “today my best friend slapped me in the face .” They […]
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor? “Of course, child. What may I do for you? “Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened, and well over the Customs limits. I’m afraid they’ll confiscate […]
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things ‘in order,’ she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she […]
Creative solutions are important, both in the business world and at home. Those who can think outside the can are most apt to get hired. 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.