New York City’s 28th Annual April Fools’ Day Parade

The theme for this year’s parade is “Forget the Big Bang Theory, Let’s Just Go Out With a Big Bang.” The parade blasts off with John Lee Hooker’s hit “Boom Boom Boom Boom.” Grand Marshall Gen. David Petraeus plays lead kazoo with the Up Your Wazoo Marching Band and is joined by N. Korean, Russian, Syrian, Iranian, Israeli and Chinese military processions showing off their big-bang bombs.

Setting the pace for the floats will be Lance Armstrong and his U.S. Postal Service Pro Cycling Team, which will be much slower this year as the team is no longer using performance enhancing drugs. The first float will be the Room Temperature IQ float featuring medical doctor, Rep. Paul Collins Broun, Jr. (R-GA), who says that evolution, embryology and the Big Bang Theory are “lies straight from the pit of Hell;” Arkansas Republican State Legislator John Hubbard, who believes slavery “may actually have been a blessing in disguise” for blacks; Arkansas legislative candidate Charlie Fuqua, who wants to deport all Muslims and establish the death penalty for rebellious children; Televangelist Pat Robertson, who encourages men to become Muslim and relocate to Saudi Arabia so they can legally beat their wives; and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) who believes “the more you drink, the better you’re able to cope in Washington.” Demand to be on this float was so great this year that participation had to be limited. Next up is the Boy-Scout-Pedophile-Troup-Leaders-Against-Homosexuality protest float, followed by the Zumba Brothel Dance float featuring Alexus Wright and her johns, the GOP sponsored Clint Eastwood Empty Chair float, and the Viagra sponsored Hugh Hefner Marriage float.

Trojan Pleasure Carts will weave through the crowd handing out 10,000 vibrating sex toys. Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Vendors will follow in their footsteps handing out eye glasses that blur vision so attendees won’t have to look at anything they consider immodest.

The marching celebrity look-alikes will include John Sununu and Lil Wayne spewing racial slurs; former AIG CEO Hank Greenberg threatening to sue the government for its generosity; Chuck Norris ushering in 1,000 years of darkness after Obama was re-elected; wannabe senator Geraldo Rivera pleading “Vote for me!”; and biographer Paula Broadwell scoping out anyone who appears at all interested in General Petraeus. Bringing up the rear, and making his final exit, will be the 2012 King of Fools Mitt Romney, triumphant with an overwhelming 47% of the vote from last year’s parade attendees. He’ll be followed by adoring throngs of self-deporting immigrants.

As the parade enters Washington Square Park, the festivities will begin. Food concessions will sell Pink Slime, Horsemeat and Desinewed Meat Burgers; there will be an Artificial Fiscal Cliff where patrons can line up to jump off; a booth offering Free Amish Haircuts and Shaves; a Papal Confessional booth where Pope Benedict XVI will confess to the public about predator priests, BBC presenter Jimmy Savile’s Papal Knighthood, and the Vatican butler, before his sequestration and eternal silence begins; a Demonstration of Fracking in Public Parks will show how the government plans to use wasted open spaces to support energy independence while searching for Jimmy Hoffa’s body. A Celebrity Auction booth will offer a virtual date with Manti Te’o and will sell the Reverend Jessie Jackson Jr’s personal bling collection to help pay back squandered campaign contributions. There will be a XXX Screening of Hulk Hogan having sex with his friend’s wife. And finally, an Ask-a-Scientific-Genius booth where Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) will discuss his belief that dinosaur flatulence might explain historic warming patterns; Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX), current chair of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology, who describes environmentalists who warn about the seriousness of climate change “global warming alarmists”; Todd Akin, former Missouri GOP Representative, who believes “if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Volunteers will circulate waiting lists for personal surveillance drones and semi automatic assault rifles as well as petitions to make it harder for the elderly, disabled and poor to vote. At sunset, carrying on the theme of the parade, there will be a Ted Nugent Patriotic Fireworks Display.