Jury Duty

If you’ve ever been called for jury duty,  you have to know this is priceless!

If you haven’t…you’ll enjoy it even more.

As for me? I am scheduled for Jury Duty very soon.
  

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court by by Bob Terrell  & Marcellus Buchanan. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who were tormented, trying to keep a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, “isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
           Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  • Ask TaxMama :: Where taxes are fun and answers are free
  • www.TaxQuips.com :: The number ONE free tax podcast online
  • Read more in – Disorder In the Court :: by Bob Terrell & Marcellus Buchanan
  • Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History :: by Charles M. Sevilla
  • Disorderly Conduct: Excerpts from Actual Cases :: by Rodney R. Jones (Editor), Charles M. Sevilla (Editor), Gerald F. Uelmen (Editor), Lee Lorenz (Illustrator)
  • Courtesy of Blakely Sanford, EA in San Diego

    Please remember to send us your humor and inspiration.
    Clean jokes preferred.

    Read more Money Funnies here:
    http://taxmama.wpengine.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies/

    One thought on “Jury Duty

    1. Pingback: TaxMama

    Leave a Reply